Bridge Over Troubled Water.

"Greetings all, Lord Savage here, you know, Beloved of Slaanesh, Champion of Champions etc. etc... Anyway, I've taken over The Black Hole temporarily so that I can address this on-going situation with all these Orcs running around the place this month. It seems Erny over at Erny's Place has got a bee in his bonnet over Orc's rights: As if we didn't have enough going on with Oldhammer right now. He has started up some whatjamacallit called 'Dorktober' or something, anyway, you can see for yourself on this and subsequent blog posts and make your own mind up."

"Long story short, us Slaaneshi types are 'up for anything' as they say, so, ever willing to be dragged into other people's crazy schemes I have put Warlord Paul's Octopi quiz on hold briefly so I can contribute something suitably 'Orcish'. Here goes.

Bridge Over Troubled Water. Being a scenario for Warhammer Fantasy Battles (2nd Edition).

The Players:

Humans:

Captain Simon Stoischen, a diligent and under-appreciated soldier in Baron Gefahrlich's retinue. Captain Stoischen is a Human Minor Hero and has access to both heavy and light armour as well as a shield, hand weapon, spear or horse. He may be armed and equipped from this list as you wish.

The Honourable Garfunkel Gefahrlich, the Baron's son, an overconfident and reckless noble. Gefahrlich is a Human Minor Hero and has access to both heavy and light armour as well as a shield, hand weapon, spear, lance, horse or warhorse. He may be armed and equipped from this list as you wish. Gefahrlich Hates all enemies.

Paul Schuler, a studious fellow in the Baron's employ with some knowledge of Magick and Physicks. Schuler is a level one wizard and has a hand weapon. He may also have a horse if you wish.

Artisan Hargrump, a Dwarf and engineer in the Baron's employ who has lately suffered with depression because of having to suffer daily Human incompetence. Hargrump uses the basic Dwarf profile and is armed with a hand weapon and light armour. Roll a D6 before battle, on a 1 or a 6 Hargrump is Drunk.

Hef's Bows, five trayned bowmen of the Baron's retinue. Hef's Bows have longbows, hand weapons and light armour.

Hans' Crossbows, five crossbowmen levy plucked from amongst the Baron's serfs. Hans' Crossbows have crossbows (count as improvised weapons in combat). Hans often has to cuff ears to keep his men alert, the GM may make such use of the poor quality of these troops as they wish.

Franz' Swords, five trayned swordsmen of the Baron's retinue. Franz' swords are armed with handweapons (usually swords) shields and light armour.

Orcs & Goblins:

Rumbelguts the Horrible, an Orc war-chief of growing reknown working for the Great Shaman, Zurgbag (He Who Brings Battle). He is escorting Frinkelgob's lads on a dangerous but important mission. Rumbelguts is an Orc Minor Hero and he has heavy armour, a hand weapon or a double handed weapon and a shield.

Frinkelgob the Greasy, leader of Zurbag's (He Who Brings Battle) Goblin Troll-catchers. Frinkelgob is a Goblin Champion with a hand weapon or spear, a shield and light armour.

Durk the Troll, an unusually sly and cunning Troll that Zurbag (He Who Brings Battle) has been hoping to recruit for some time. Durk never takes Stupidity tests, but he does suffer from Animosity.

The Greediguts Tribe Boys, 10 Orcs drawn from Rumbelguts own tribe who act as his bodyguard. The boys are equipped with light armour, a hand weapon and a shield.

The Troll-catchers, 20 Goblins who work for Frinkelgob the Greasy. The Troll-catchers are equipped with a hand weapon or spear, a shield and light armour.

Snapjaw and Snagtooth, 2 Giant Wolves trained by Frinkelgob to herd Trolls.

The story so far:

Baron Gefahrlich rules Zweitenburg in the name of Prince Drittel of Altenburg. Both Zweitenburg and Altenburg are in the Border Princes and are little more than stone keeps with a few hovels and farms nearby but the Prince and his Barons take themselves very seriously indeed and have built roads to connect their scattered strongholds thus creating a small fiefdom for themselves.

Recently, without warning, all traffic has ceased on the road from Altenburg to Zweitenburg and Baron Gefahrlich has decided it must be because the crumbling old bridge across the River Grenze has finally collapsed. He has ordered one of his retainers, Captain Stoischen, to lead a group of men out to the bridge and effect repairs. Included in the party is the dour old Dwarven engineer Hargrump (who insists that being of Dwarven work the old Handel Bridge would never collapse under pitiful creeping Humans), Paul Schuler (a learned fellow) and the Baron's own son, Garfunkel (who needs a bit of work to keep him occupied and the serving wenches safe for a few days).

Unbeknownst to the Baron and his court, the real reason the road has closed is Durk, a Troll, who has taken up residence under the Handel Bridge. Durk is a bit unusual in Troll society because he seems to have a certain level of cunning intellect (he occasionally watches farms for a bit before he raids them and rarely attacks his own shadow) and the Great Shaman Zurgbag (He Who Brings Battle) has been trying to recruit him into his army ever since he had a vision of Durk tying his own bootlaces.

The Great Shaman Zurgbag (He Who Brings Battle) is a troublesome old Orc so-and-so who hides out in the forests and hills of the Border Princes preaching about his visions of slaughter, loot and dead humies (the usual Orc themes). If he can recruit enough Trolls (and better yet convince Durk to lead them) it may be he can finally lead his tribes out of hiding, sweep away Prince Drittel's principality, and usher in the good times.

The Field of Battle:

The map is based on a 4' x 4' table, it is up to the GM to represent the terrain and set deployment zones as best they can. The river is fordable (at half pace if you assume it's about 3" across).

Objectives and Victory Conditions.

Humans:

Captain Stoischen and his force are coming from the direction of Zweitenburg using the road. Stoischen will realise pretty quickly that the bridge is intact and that there is a force of Goblinoids knocking around that will need to be dealt with before the road can reopen.

The humans must keep the Baron's son alive at all costs. The Baron will also be angry if Hargrump and/or Schuler are killed. In order to win the Human player must keep all three of these personalities alive and drive off the Orcs by killing Rumbelguts and Durk (all Orc & Goblin units will flee the table if this happens).

Orcs & Goblins:

Rumbelguts has been assigned to keep Frinkelgob safe while he carries out the delicate task of recruiting Trolls for Zurgbag (He Who Brings Battle). He has set up camp in the Unheimlich Forest and the Orcs will emerge from that direction on their way to Durk's bridge. Rumbelguts will spot the approaching Humans fairly quickly and assess them as a threat that needs to be confronted.

Rumbelguts is an up and coming war-chief in Zurgbag's (He Who Brings Battle) army and hopes to be chosen to lead them in battle when the time comes. He must stay alive at all costs but must also mark himself out amongst his rivals by personally slaying either Stoischen or Gefahrlich in combat. Once Durk is recruited (see the special rules below) and Rumbelguts has achieved his aim any Orc & Goblin unit may leave the table at any time.

Once there are no longer any Orc & Goblin units on the table the game ends.

The battle is over when the Orcs & Goblins leave the table, when one side declares victory, when the GM declares an end or when you run out of time.

Special rules:

Durk is not actually a part of the Orc & Goblin force at the beginning of the battle and does not deploy with them. Instead, he sets up under (or very close too) the Handel Bridge. He will not move from this position unless a model from the Human force comes within charge range of him. If this happens he will either charge, if possible, or manoeuvre to set up a charge for next turn (at the Orc player's discretion). If, however, the Orc player can get four or more Goblin or Wolf models into base contact with Durk then he is considered to be 'recruited' and becomes an active part of the Orc force (albeit one that suffers animosity).

"Do let me know how you get on."

"Toodlepip!" ~ Lord Savage.

The Battle of Plank Street. Part Two.

AKA 'Reports of my blogging demise have been greatly exaggerated'.

I won't kid anyone that first-time fatherhood is simple, I don't want to jinx this peaceful five minutes I appear to have finagled for myself.

Need to refresh yourself on Part One?

Back to the experience. We managed to meet up online once more and finish our game of WHFB3, this time with added Gaj and rules. From a player's perspective, I am very grateful to have been able to take part, so thanks guys. I managed to avoid any of the difficult, behind the scenes GM work I normally do and was able to just play, which was bliss. I must point out a few technical niggles, purely for honesty's sake so please don't think me ungrateful, but I must also say that playing this way, while not as good as the old fashioned way, has a lot to recommend it and is approximately one million times better than not playing at all.

So, Tokbox sucks. I bought a new microphone and so did Thantsants so all four of us could converse, though rarely at the same time as it turned out. Roll20 is still new and there are bound to be teething problems but it was with some venom that I filled out the Tokbox feedback form I found. By far the more fluid experience was the original game in which only the GM was able to talk to everyone while the players typed a mixture of banter, instructions and rules queries. Though we got into a real groove for much of the second game it was a real blow to lose Erny towards the end, as organiser and GM both he left a big hole as we played out the climactic final chapters. I too had trouble being heard for the first twenty minutes or so which started to really frustrate me, fortunately I got a grip of first myself then the technology.

Other than that it is just the minor tweaks I described in part one that need attention by those at Roll20 to open this up to all tabletop gamers.

I will certainly be pestering the gents to get involved in a sequel to the Battle of Plank Street, if only so I can get my claws on that pesky Cnut.

The story so far...

Grishnack cuffed the Orc to his left and thundered the order to open fire, a big phalanx of stunties was marching towards them as fast as their little legs would allow and that one in the front had mighty expensive looking gear. Could it be that dirty Cnut? He looked hopefully at the amulet for the third time, it was definitely out of 'Shazam' though. That treacherous bloody Witch had only cast half a bleeding spell on it. As the amulet's glow had faded and died the effect could be seen all along the battle line. First of all one of the Trolls had broken off from scoffing the little ginger dwarfs and started flicking through a leather book, Gork knows where that had come from, then the general lack of coordination his lads had all to often demonstrated in the past came flooding back. He was going to have to wade in and start hitting things, as usual. His reverie was shattered by a dwarvish battle-cry, "HATRED, HATRED AND CHARGE!". "Zoggin' 'eck", thought Grisnack "'ow did they creep up so quick, and why aren't youse lot shootin'?" Too late the Arrer boys shook off their torpor and raised their bows, only to get hurled back by the assaulting stunties.

"GRISHNACK! GRISHNACK BLOODAXE! TASTE MY AXE YOU DOG!"

Grisnack turned to see who dared taunt him, it WAS that filthy little Cnut after all!  Grishnack drew his mighty blade, Fingsplitta, and swung it with all the strength his corded Orc muscles had to give. He drew first blood on the Dwarf King but took a nasty cut in return. He hewed once more, again bleeding the Dwarf but again suffering a bite from Cnut's axe in return. He now had a vicious axe wound from Cnut that troubled him deeply. As Grishnack's vision began to blur he caught glimpses through the chaos of his forces being triumphant everywhere, everywhere except here that is. The lads had won, that plan he had nicked off Annibal the Cannibal had really worked, and he hadn't even needed them Oliphaunts. So why hadn't they come back like they was supposed to? They was off looting the baggage or the dead, anything other than circling round the back like they was supposed too in fact. Grisnack never even saw the blow that felled him, after though he could just about make out that he was alone. The arrer boys must have fled, he could see their bows chucked on the ground, and that horrible Cnut had made his escape thanks to the gap he had made in Grishnack's lines. Grishnack felt a shadow fall across his prone form, it was his right hand lieutenant returned from his victory on the right flank. "'Ello Ashnack!" he gasped through his ruined throat. "'Elp me up will ya!". Ashnack the Butcher looked grim, his swinish red eyes bored into Grishnack's skull.

"Sorry Grish', sorry the lads never come back to 'elp, only I told 'em not to see? An' sorry I gotta bash your 'ead in, but I is da boss now see?"

Grishnack blinked stupidly as Ashnack's sword came down hard and caved in his face.

"I is da boss now", Ashnack repeated to himself as he attached 'Fingsplitta' to his belt and looted Grishnack's corpse. "An' I is gonna hunt me down a bit o' Cnut I think, oh yes indeed"...

Thanks for stopping by!

The Battle of Plank Street. Part One.

I was lucky enough (quick enough (skiving off work enough)) to be the first to thrust my hand in the air and squirm in my seat when Erny invited people to join him in a game of online WHFB3, which took place last night. Just follow the link if you want to see the field of battle we fought over.

We botched all the most basic of rules pretty badly in between sipping beer and typing banter (technical issues) but it was just incredible fun. I got into my role as the comic book villain Grishnack the Bloodaxe of Scabby Rump while Thantsants led the brave and doughty Dwarves of Axwoon'd in the defence of the realm of King Cnut. Thats KER. NOOT.

My own Orcs and Goblins were of an exceptionally single-minded variety, never once failing (taking) an animosity test. Don't even get me started on the performance of Chester and Julian the Trolls, they have started a marvellous charity which helps to euthanase ginger Dwarfs with low self esteem. Later on Chester hopes to gain his Masters degree while Julian is thinking of taking a gap year.

So, we played like kids. We got over-excited and forgot all the rules at every turn. It was flipping good fun though!

The set-up at Roll20 is amazing. It has been perfected for hosting RPG sessions for people who can't be in the same room and I would recommend you head over there ASAP to set up an account if that is something you would be interested in. War-gaming there is more complicated for sure, but it is possible and those who run the site will probably work with the community to improve the experience further. This said, I am not blind to how much effort and hard work Erny has had to put into this venture and not only should we congratulate him and be grateful for his pioneering but I suggest to you that gaming this way with him is the way forward for now unless you are pretty confident technically speaking and have bags of spare time to invest.

Who knows though, I can see a path to the day when Oldhammer takes place online as often as it does on tables. No joke. You have to see a table covered with Erny's lovely painted minis, all in cyberspace, before you turn your nose up at that! We only got half way into the game despite investing about four hours into it (noobs) but fantastically we just left it all set up and made a few typed notes for ourselves so we can pick up where we left off!

Truthfully though, a couple of tweaks need to be made before the flood gates open and this has mass appeal, so go into any game with an open mind and an easy-going attitude (just like always I am sure). For now, I am definitely going to need to buy a cutting edge earphone/mic setup. And some more Timothy Taylor's Pale Ale.

The story so far.


Grishnack thumped and walloped several of the remaining Scabby Rump arrer boys as he bullied his way to the front of the unit. The other lot had panicked at the first sign of trouble the cowards, he had almost tossed the Witch's amulet away at that point. The Witch. He was not afraid of anything, obviously, but she had given him the willies. He couldn't even tell quite what she was, Half-Orc maybe? She had pressed the amulet into his hand and cackled something fierce. "Take this o Lord", the witch said in a shrill voice, "hold it tight when the bearded ones come to Lonely Wood. Your soldiers will act as one, with purpose and determination!" Now Grishnack didn't know what 'deeterminayshun' was but if it helped the lads knacker a few stunties he was all for it, and besides, no-one wants to say no to a Witch.

At first, after the initial disappointment of seeing the arrer boys turn tail had worn off, the amulet seemed to be working well. He pressed it into his meaty fist and it began to glow with an eerie inner light. He had ordered the Trolls off to kill the ginger stunties and they just said "yer boss" and strode off like, like, well, not Trolls. The same with the big unit of lads on the right and the gobbos too. The wolf boys had been shredded by crossbow bolts and just sat there waiting for orders like they didn't care. Unnatural that was. Even the ruddy Shaman was pumping out spells like a Goblin possessed. Maybe he is possessed? Grishnack briefly considered the possibility and decided he didn't care. Now though, as the green line crashed against the stubborn Dwarfs with a precision he had never imagined possible, the glowing amulet began to pulse, then flicker. It was running out of shazam, Grishnack concluded.

Time to get stuck in then.

Click for Part Two.

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